Helping children cope with divorce: Suporting your child through a divorce
There are many ways you can help your kids adjust to separation or divorce. Your patience, reassurance, and listening ear can minimize tension as children learn to cope with new circumstances. By providing routines kids can relay on, you remind children they can count on you for stability, structure, and care. And if you can maintain a working relationship with your ex, you can help kids avoid the stress that comes with watching parents in conflict. Such a transitional time can't be without some measure of hardship, but you can powerfully reduce your children"s pain by making their well-being your top priority.
A child"s list of wants: What I need from my mom and dad
- I need both of you to stay involved in my life. please write letters, make phone calls, and ask me lots of question. when you don"t stay involved, I feel like I"m not important and that you don"t really love me.
- Please stop fighting and work hard to get along with each other. Try to agree on matters related to me. When you fight about me, I think that I did something wrong and i feel guilty.
- I want to love you both and enjoy the time that i spend with each of you. Please support me and the time that I spend with each of you. If you act jealous or upset, I feel like I need to take sides and love one parent more than the other.
- Please communicate directly with my other parent so that I don"t have to send messages back and forth.
- When talking about my other parent, please say only nice things, or don"t say anything at all. When you say mean, unkind things about my other parent, I feel like you are expecting me to take your side.
- Please remember that I want both of you to be a part of my life. I count on my mom and dad to raise me, to teach me what is important, and to help me when I have problems.
Helping Children cope with divorce: What to tell your kids
When it comes to telling your kids about your divorce, many parents freeze up. Make the conversation a little easier on both yourself and your children by preparing significantly before you sit down to talk. If you can anticipate tough questions, deal with your own anxieties ahead of time, and plan carefully what you"ll be telling them, you be better equipped help your children handle the news.
What to say and how to say it
Difficult as it may be do, try to strike an empathetic tone and address the most important points right up front. Give your children the benefit of an honest ---- but kid-friendly---- explanation.
- Tell the truth: Your kids are entitled to know why you are getting a divorce, but long-winded reasons may only confuse them. Pick something simple and honest, like "We can"t get along anymore". You may need to remind your children that while sometimes parents and kids don"t always get along, parents and kids don"t stop loving each other or get divorce from each other.
- Say "I love you": However simple it may sound, letting your children know that your love for them has"t changed is a powerful message. Tell them you'll still be caring for them in every way from fixing their breakfast to helping with homework.
- Address Changes: Preempt your kids questions about changes in their lives by acknowledging that some things will be different now, and other things won't. Let them know that together you can deal with each detail as you go.
Avoid Blaming:
Its vital to be honest with your kids, but without being critical of your spouse. This can be especially difficult when there have been hurtful events, such as infidelity, but with a little diplomacy, you can avoid playing the blame game.
- Present a united front: As much as you can, try to agree in advance on an explanation for your separation or divorce--- and stick to it.
- Plan your conversations: Make plans to talk with your children before any changes in the living arrangements occur. And plan to talk when your spouse is present, if possible.
- Show restraint: Be respectful of your spouse when giving the reasons for the separation.
How much information to give:
Especially at the beginning of your separation or divorce, you"ll need to pick and choose how much to tell your children. Think carefully about how certain information will affect them.
- Be age-aware: In general, younger children need less detail and will do better with a simple explanation, while older kids may need more information.
- Share logistical information: Do tell kids about changes in their living arrangements, school, or activities, but don"t overwhelm them with the details.
Helping children cope with divorce: List and reassure
Support your children by helping them express emotions, and commit to truly listening to these feelings without getting defensive. Your next job is reassurance-- assuaging fears, straightening, misunderstanding, and showing your unconditional love.
Help kids express feelings:
For kids, divorce can feel like loss: the loss of a parents, the loss of the life they know. You can help your children grieve and adjust to new circumstances by supporting their feeling.
Listen: Encourage your child to share feelings and really listen to them. They may be feeling sadness, or loss or frustrations about things you may not have expected.
Help them find worlds for their feelings: Its normal for children to have difficultly expressing their feelings. You can help them by noticing their moods and encouraging them to talk.
Let them be honest: Children might be reluctant to share their true feelings for fear of hurting you. Let them know that whatever they say is okay. If they aren"t able to share their honest feelings, they will have a harder time working through them
Acknowledge their feelings: You may not be able to fix their problems or change their sadness to happiness, but it is important for you to acknowledge their feelings rather then dismissing them. You can also inspire trust by showing that you understand.
